Cyndy is one of my favorite people in world (not her real name of course). It is not because of anything superficial; I just know she’s an extremely kind, thoughtful, strong woman. I noticed this about her early when I was a teenager, and something about her made me latch on and soak up as many lessons as she was willing to dole out. A bit more of a context.
I was Cyndy's babysitter when her kids were quite young. Given her husband’s busy career, it was always a treat when they had “date-night” (long before the Obama’s made it a household term) and needed a babysitter to watch the kids so they could enjoy themselves for an evening. Despite their schedules, they managed to stick to their monthly plans of enjoying each other and nurturing their marriage in the midst of kids, school, life. Lesson: Nurture the relationships that matter to you, particularly your marriage.
A turn of events, one that haunts me till this day, Cyndy's husband died at an early age. For anyone who knew him, it was quite destabilizing. For Cyndy, it was unimaginable. There were four little ones to raise, and despite all the plans, the hard work, the hopes, the preparation Cyndy suddenly found herself a single parent. I lost many nights of sleep wondering how she would cope. Life was not a fairy tale, but theirs had come pretty close to it. In the little way that I could, I offered my support. I stayed in touch, I called, I listened.
Over the next 10 years or so, what materialized is nothing short of a series of miracles. I replay mini scenes in my mind as a reminder of how I could live with grace and dignity no matter what life may throw my way.
Scene 1: Each child has several activities (dance, musical instrument, gymnastics, basketball, baseball,
horseback riding) that they are engaged in and Cyndy is the lone chauffeur for each and every single one of these activities. At the end of each day, she’s wiped out. They do this until they tire of the activity, or develop an interest in something else.
Scene 2: Children, if it takes you till midnight to finish your homework, well, that’s how long we will be up. And yes, you must still wake up on time for school tomorrow. If you’re tired in the morning the lesson is to finish your homework on time and go to bed on time. Cyndy is last to bed, first to wake. Every day.
Scene 3: Children, all of your activities, dance recitals will be attended by the whole family and friends who can join. Your accomplishments will never go unnoticed.
Scene 4: Children, you will be responsible adults: take care of the house, take care of the dog, take care of the bird, keep your personal spaces and bedrooms clean. (And get a job, teaching dance? tutoring? babysitting? Sure. Whatever makes you happy.)
Scene 5: Adaeze, why is your 3 month old infant not sleeping by 8 pm? Put him to bed, he’ll cry a lot at first, but he’ll get used to it, and you’ll have your sanity back. Do it before he’s 4 months old. He’ll survive. (He did, I retained my sanity, and I remembered that she made me put her kids to bed 10 years before no matter how much they tried to get out of going to bed.) All said children are alive and well and happy.
Scene 6: Cyndy gives me "Bob books" for my child who learned how to read with them when he was quite young. It worked for all her kids, she said. She would know, she’s an educator.
Scene 7: Cyndy's first child gets is admitted to a top Ivy League institution. Cyndy is thrilled, and reminds me that her late husband would not have had it any other way. Second child follows quickly in the first’s footsteps. All children are in lockstep behind each other in their maturity and development. I’m in constant awe.
Scene 8: My phone is ringing, I don’t check caller id and I don’t pick up. Not with a kid to scrub down, read to, put to bed, and a kitchen to clean. I complain one day about the schedule mothers keep. Cyndy reminds me of the days people complained about her never answering her phone. I remember, and I can relate now.
There are many more but the bottom line is this: I have learned so much from Cyndy over the years. She’s so kind to me that sometimes I feel awkward about receiving so much. She reminds me that I am her baby sister and babysitter. She’s there for people, not just in spirit but physically, driving long distances to show her support for friends and family alike. This is rare, and it’s something I’m still trying to master.
She celebrates your quirks and strengths, no matter how intriguing they may be for others. I saw this when she noticed a young student was afraid of glitter which explained why he simply couldn't participate in his elementary school art projects. (Every other teacher had simply failed him and considered him special needs.) I saw this in how she raised her children. I have never seen anyone nurture each child in such a unique and individually tailored way. The bookish kid was allowed to flourish in a way that made her comfortable. The social butterfly was given her space and wings to fly (with mom putting the extra pressure on the books). There is no one size fits all with Cyndy. This takes intellect, creativity, and an immense amount of patience.
The thing about having friends and heroes like this is that they may not show up in the next issue of O magazine. They won’t be on CNN heroes or whatever outlet shines the spotlight. There’s no award for being the nicest person, the reliable person, the good friend. But they have been bright spots in my life and are great examples. So I write about Cyndy to share with you this one consistently bright spot in my life for so many years, and hopefully you’ll reflect on the ones you’ve had in your lives and celebrate them in the small way we can.
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