Do you have friends?

I've been thinking about the idea that we need friends for a variety of reasons. We need affirmation in our lives from time to time. We need to feel like we have people to share things or thoughts with.  We need to have people in our lives we can commiserate with and not feel judged. And for me, I need people in my life that I can trust, and who will be secure enough to get through awkward moments and tell me the truth (or listen to me tell them the truth). We need friends.

I am not speaking of friends you live with like your spouse or significant other.  And in my experience, it doesn't need to be a same-sex friend to be meaningful. I am also not speaking of friends you necessarily need to chat with every single day. Who has time for that? Well, Oprah and Gayle, but they run their own empire so not my models here.  Nor am I speaking of party or drinking buddies you had when you were in college. Do you even remember their names?  I'm talking of friendships that are a bit more substantive.

Holly & Adaeze

Adaeze & Uwi

In the era of Facebook and other social networking outlets out there, I am finding it more difficult to make friends. This could also coincide with the fact that I am older, busier than I was 10-15 years ago. But it seems that I rely on a quick two minute check on email, BBM, text and Facebook combined, rather than the personal networking that we all relied on years ago. So I haven't added a bunch of new friends in the last several years.

I will say that my cadre of close friends has practically not changed at all in more than 10 years. This is despite the fact that I have moved from one area of the country to the other in that time frame, I've married, had children, and worked in several cities since. And still, I call on about the same 5 women when I need a sounding board or a real friend to hear me out. I would literally take a picture of a dress I'm trying on and send it to a friend across the country via text if she's not there with me. I know for a fact that she will tell me that it doesn't look good on me--if she believes so--and it will not be about my feelings at that moment. It will be about making another choice.

Another friend of mine who has moved to Texas will call me or text me about schools, learning opportunities, camps, my interactions with teachers, and anything under the sun even though I live in the DC area. I may not know anything about Texas, but she knows I can giver her an informed opinion about my experiences as she goes through her choices.

And in one of my favorite examples, when I was a postdoc in Chicago and another friend of mine was a resident in Texas, she was puzzled by the fact that I could save money at the end of the month despite the fact that we made the exact same measly income. She asked me to go through my major expenses with her to help her manage. And I did: I went through childcare, rent, food, bills, etc. dollar for dollar per month until we realized where the biggest difference was hidden. It was her car note; I had paid mine off.  The point is this: I can share that kind of brutal honesty and openness with very few people in my life.  She trusted met to tell her the truth in that moment, and I trusted her to hear me out and explain my math. Simple. We are close friends.  I have seen many people lie about their life to their "friends" and family, leading the less informed into bad decisions based on bad information.

Tara and Adaeze

As I get older, I find that it is nearly impossible to replace a good friend.  We are more tentative, more hesitant about opening up the older we get.  I hang on to the old ones I have, and I love them and their quirks as we move through life's peaks and valleys together from different corners of the world.  I hope everyone has at least one friend they can call on, and who will check on them from time to time.

These girls rock! Case #1: Ann is hilarious

I will highlight friends who inspire me and teach me something worth learning, sometimes in unexpected ways but no less meaningful.  I'll start with Ann, age 30-something. (Names will be slightly altered so they won't come up on a Google search.)

 
 Here's a recent post on Facebook from my friend Ann.  Word for word.

I had a major, major "back in high school" anxiety dream last night. The whole bit - can't find my classes, my locker, my friends, etc. It's taken me most of the morning to recover.

I personally think that Lorne Michaels should be tripping over himself to hire Ann as a writer on SNL. She’s too funny. Ann makes an unfortunate lunch incident involving a hungry woman and her spilled Jenny Craig soup bowl absolutely hilarious. She doesn’t know how funny she is, but it’s her way of dealing with life.

Ann is a former neighbor, the mother of two boys, and works part time (if 30+ hours is part time). She works with books, and she LOVES her work. Ann once confided that when she added boy # 2 to the mix, her job was covering day care expenses almost exclusively, but every hour spent at her office was worth it. She was not willing to drop out of the workforce, was not willing to give up what brings her so much joy, and felt she can only be a good mom if she’s engaged in something that makes her happy. 

Ann molding a face mask for a friend on Halloween. A few awesome masks were molded that day.

I met Ann on my way into a daycare I was visiting in Chicago. She encouraged me to give them a try: her boys are alive and well, she said. The older one learns a bunch, the younger one has his nose wiped when needed. All butts are clean when they get home. Excellent. The standards are a bit higher of course, but you get my drift. We became fast friends, and neighbors.  At the playground once, Ann’s younger son (about 19 months) was on the swing set, and I simply could not concentrate I was worried sick he might fall.  He did fall, and I lurched toward him. Ann laughed and told me to hurry up and have a another child so all this jumpiness would calm down. No broken bones?  No blood?  Both eyes intact?  He’s fine. 

You may laugh, but, well, soon enough that was my approach to kids as well.

Ann loves her life, her job, her kids. She manages all of it really well despite the obvious challenges. What challenges you may ask?  Well, it's really hard to find childcare at the drop of a hat. It's hard to come up with suitable summer activities for each child...every single summer.  It's hard to get up and get ready in the morning sometimes without at least one person having a meltdown.  This is the life we--modern parents-- lead I suppose.  Ann, however, manages to decorate cupcakes exquisitely regardless of the occasion even after a particularly bad morning. I can’t even make the cupcake (forget decorating it) if I have to deviate from a boxed mix. 

So, there you go: balancing active boys, work, husband, life, school affairs, daycare, and Jenny Craig, all with a wicked sense of humor: that’s Ann. 

Next friend: Kay.