Do you have friends?

I've been thinking about the idea that we need friends for a variety of reasons. We need affirmation in our lives from time to time. We need to feel like we have people to share things or thoughts with.  We need to have people in our lives we can commiserate with and not feel judged. And for me, I need people in my life that I can trust, and who will be secure enough to get through awkward moments and tell me the truth (or listen to me tell them the truth). We need friends.

I am not speaking of friends you live with like your spouse or significant other.  And in my experience, it doesn't need to be a same-sex friend to be meaningful. I am also not speaking of friends you necessarily need to chat with every single day. Who has time for that? Well, Oprah and Gayle, but they run their own empire so not my models here.  Nor am I speaking of party or drinking buddies you had when you were in college. Do you even remember their names?  I'm talking of friendships that are a bit more substantive.

Holly & Adaeze

Adaeze & Uwi

In the era of Facebook and other social networking outlets out there, I am finding it more difficult to make friends. This could also coincide with the fact that I am older, busier than I was 10-15 years ago. But it seems that I rely on a quick two minute check on email, BBM, text and Facebook combined, rather than the personal networking that we all relied on years ago. So I haven't added a bunch of new friends in the last several years.

I will say that my cadre of close friends has practically not changed at all in more than 10 years. This is despite the fact that I have moved from one area of the country to the other in that time frame, I've married, had children, and worked in several cities since. And still, I call on about the same 5 women when I need a sounding board or a real friend to hear me out. I would literally take a picture of a dress I'm trying on and send it to a friend across the country via text if she's not there with me. I know for a fact that she will tell me that it doesn't look good on me--if she believes so--and it will not be about my feelings at that moment. It will be about making another choice.

Another friend of mine who has moved to Texas will call me or text me about schools, learning opportunities, camps, my interactions with teachers, and anything under the sun even though I live in the DC area. I may not know anything about Texas, but she knows I can giver her an informed opinion about my experiences as she goes through her choices.

And in one of my favorite examples, when I was a postdoc in Chicago and another friend of mine was a resident in Texas, she was puzzled by the fact that I could save money at the end of the month despite the fact that we made the exact same measly income. She asked me to go through my major expenses with her to help her manage. And I did: I went through childcare, rent, food, bills, etc. dollar for dollar per month until we realized where the biggest difference was hidden. It was her car note; I had paid mine off.  The point is this: I can share that kind of brutal honesty and openness with very few people in my life.  She trusted met to tell her the truth in that moment, and I trusted her to hear me out and explain my math. Simple. We are close friends.  I have seen many people lie about their life to their "friends" and family, leading the less informed into bad decisions based on bad information.

Tara and Adaeze

As I get older, I find that it is nearly impossible to replace a good friend.  We are more tentative, more hesitant about opening up the older we get.  I hang on to the old ones I have, and I love them and their quirks as we move through life's peaks and valleys together from different corners of the world.  I hope everyone has at least one friend they can call on, and who will check on them from time to time.